Well looky who just showed up?

IF anyone is still checking in on me, I am a mess.  Literally...down in the dumps, gaining weight, and no solution in sight.

It has been 6 months since my lap-band was removed and I am fighting like hell against weight gain.  Every day the scales stays the same or goes up...it is not mathematically possible.  I know it's hard to believe a food addict, but i really am sticking to the plan.  I still work out 6-7 days per week (with approximately a 400 calorie burn) and eat around 1400-1600 calories.  Shouldn't something be happening??

To add to this, I went to see the surgeon who removed my lap-band to talk about the gastric sleeve and he had ABSOLUTELY nothing positive to say.  He just said why don't I stop worrying about counting calories and just eat intuitively. He has NO IDEA about the issues of a food addict. 

I have been researching "self-pay" options for the sleeve but I have been told it will be about $20,000.  There is NO way that my family can swing financing that.  I have even looked into going to Mexico but I don't think I am ready for that-- a little scary to me.

Ugh.  Any advice or words of wisdom would be appreciated.

Avoidance

I have been avoiding all of you.

You (all my blogging ladies) have been helping me stay accountable for 2 years. 

Not any longer.  I have avoided posting because I don't know what to do....I don't know what to say.  I'm not even sure if I should have this blog any longer...I'm not banded.

I am actually jealous of you...yes you.  I want my lap band back....and I can't....and I need help with my eating.

Sooooo, I am having a hard time commenting on your posts because I am happy for your continued sucess but sad for me.

I really feel like I spend all this money, worked super hard to lose weight, and now I feel it slipping away. 

I am sad, lost, and confused. 

It's like the dreaded "Freshmen 15"

What do I mean by that title?

Hmmm.  Well, having my band removed sure eliminated my immediate medical issues but it has opened up a whole new batch of different issues. Mainly eating.

I went a little crazy once I could start eating real food again.  You know, just like the kid that goes off to college and goes a little overboard with pizza, beer, dorm food, and crap eating b/c they are finally on their own?  (I didn't go off to college at age 42 but remember I wasn't able to eat really anything for 20+ days before removal but have had band difficulties since the beginning.)  Ok.  A little crazy we can deal with...but then that turned into a road trip to Vegas with some serious alcohol....and cookies...and puffy Cheetos, etc.  I worked out each day of the trip for 1.5 to 2 hours but my body held on to every single calorie!

Then I was back on track for a few weeks but then off to Laughlin and repeated the steps above
with food and liquor.

Mixed in with all of this stupid eating behavior, I have been mourning the loss of my band....hence my feelings of not having ANY control over my eating....hating my surgeon- who I blame for giving me such a tiny pouch and not knowing that it was extra tiny & would cause me to vomit if I had more than 2 TBSP of food ...... feeling sorry for myself......scared.....and yes, gaining weight.  I haven't actually gained "the freshie 15" but I have gained 8 lbs from the weight I had previously maintained for a year. 

I was in tears this morning because every day the scale seems to go up just a bit.  All of those .1 and .2 changes are adding up.  I am using MFP and logging in my food.  I am exercising the same as always. 

I am freaking out.  Please advise.

Triple T!

Hello all,
  I am ready for another installment of Ten Things Thursday...hope you are too!

1.  Feeling really depressed lately.  I feel out of control when it comes to food.  I am trying to track my food on MFP in hopes of taking back the control but usually stop putting things in by 4pm.  It's a form of denial.

2.  This weekend is the Wine Country Half Marathon...I am missing out on participating because of my surgery to remove the band.  Talk about a double whammy!  Bummer.

3.  I had a meltdown of EPIC PROPORTIONS last night.  I have been really depressed for the last week...it's all related to my band removal.  I feel loss, anger at my dr. and life, frustrated that I spent all of the money and the band failed me, fear that I will gain all the weight back. 

My husband was sooooooo supportive.  He said so many great things BUT he does not understand the idea of binge eating.  He doesn't get the "compulsiveness" of it.

4.  I binged last night.  Yes that is what sent me over the edge into hysteria. I ate 3 whole zucchini's (see picture from the recipe below) along with 3 oz of baked chicken.  I know, at least it wasn't a pint of ice cream but WHO DOES THAT?????  Zucchini???  This is the concern....it's not logical.  This is the compulsiveness....I just kept going back for more.  Picking at it.  WHY???  It scared me right down to more core.  All of the hard work I have done over the last two years seemed to disappear and I felt exactly how I have felt me entire life (before the band) ............I felt powerless around food.

5.  I am trying lots of different home workouts available on YouT*be.  I am really interested in the Tracy And*rs*n ones....seems like it might be a good supplement to working the large muscle groups at the gym.  Anyone done these??? (I'm not doing the post preggo workout but it's still her in the picture :0)

6.  Next week I am going to see the surgeon who removed my band.  He's not the dr. who placed it, but I felt like he was very straight forward with me.  I put off my follow up appointment (as part of my denial) because I want to talk about the vertical sleeve but I don't think I will like what he has to say.

7.  I am hooked on "pop corners" snacks.  I just love them!!!

8.  This month is the LONGEST ever!!!  I just have to make it until June....then I can count down the days until summer vacation.  (AS much as I enjoy my job, I really despise the month of May.)

9.  Going to get a mani/pedi on Sunday for Mother's Day. 


10.  Finally going to watch the "Amazing Race" finale tonight with all the neighbors.  Give me the strength not to overeat.

Have a good one!

The end of the weekend

Its the end of another weekend.  who ever wants to go to work on mondays?  not me.  maybe my really random things to share will take your mind off of it being a Monday:

1.  I seemed to have adopted the term "shitastic" into my vocabulary thanks to Laura belle

2.  Watched about 5 episodes of "Lock Up"  marathon wondering if Rambo(Drazil's man) deals with these kinds of people.

3.  I was singing to Wham on the radio.....at the top of my lungs mind you.....just yesterday.  1982 is wondering what is wrong with me.  Can't blame that on any of you bloggers!

4.  I am actually missing my run/walk workouts.  (Did I really just type that?) i went back to exercising this week but just walking at 3.5 mph.  Tried elliptical & light weights yesterday at the gym..still feel a little pull at the former port site but its only been 2.5 weeks.  I really need to get my sweat on...I hate running but I love the feeling when I am done...clear headed. Slim Katie talks about this.

5.  Still trying to follow all of the "band" rules even though I could just eat and eat and eat.  I definitely notice my hunger levels are crazy....no fullness at all....ability to eat anything and everything.  Fortunately, my weight is hanging in around 141 - 143.  My goal weight is 145.

Hope your week starts off great.

I have got an announcement

Unfortunately, due to all of the problems I have been having with my band, it became medically necessary to have my band removed.

Many of you followed along with my tales of woe...the days of not eating, excessive vomiting of water, unrelenting pain, total unfills, chills and shakes, complete tightness in spite of being unfilled..etc.  you have listened to it all.

Unfortunately the incident that began on march 28 th and has continued for 20 days has now been resolved.  I took your advice and got a second opinion.  On Tuesday  4/16 I went to my GP explained my situation and asked for a referral,to a GI.   He was happy to do so b/c he wanted me to have an endoscopy and CAT scan.  Before I got the referrals, the following day I was in so much pain that my doctor sent me to the ER.  Based on the CT scan there, I found out I had a slipped band and part of my stomach was crimped up.

Transferred to another hospital so they could take the band out immediately.  

It has been a week now....I am healing up fine and dandy....but I am sad, fearful, disappointed, and confused.

Where do I go from here?  I worked so hard for 2 years to lose the weight and work this body into a fit one.  Will it all slip through my fingers?

I am eating real food again....super hungry ALL THE TIME....feeling a little reckless because I can eat tortilla chips ... what now?

Words of encouragement or advice would be much appreciated.

It's official....I hate my band.

You know the saying:  "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all"---well, that's why you haven't heard from me in months.  My band is out to get me....I am sure of it now.  Here's my tale of woe.

You may remember that I have been all over the place with fills and un-fills since I got the band almost 2 years ago. I got a complete unfill last June (2012) and have moved up to 2cc in September 2012.  Should be fine right???

WRONG.
 
My band and/or tummy are just not happy with each other.  I have found that I have a SUPER DUPER small pouch  (24 cc).  A year ago my dr. said that "was a bit on the small size but no big deal."  (I wanted to say to the dr:    Uh....maybe that is why my band is so sensitive to .1cc fill.......ya think???)

After several very strange band events the last two months, resulting in throwing up 10-15 times in one day...not being able to hold even water down, sleeping for 12-14 hours to try and reduce swelling, etc.  I know it's not "food poisoning"--which is what the support group leader suggested.  I know it's my band.

On the 28th of March I had a little issue with dinner...not stuck but some excessive burping through the evening.  Had a hard time eating the next day, so mostly did mushies. (Was going through some serious stress at the same time....student confided she is pregnant.  oh boy...now what?) Saturday was the same...lots of tightness...eating very little.  Sunday morning......repeat.  By Monday, April 1st, I was very unhappy--couldn't keep water down....bad pain, woke up two nights in a row with reflux.  I went to dr. on 4/2 in tears and got a complete unfill.

Dr. looks in my chart and note that I had an upper GI last June and an abdominal ultrasound and everything with the band looks great.  No slips.  He comments again that my pouch is tiny.....this time he mentions that most pouches are between 30-40 cc.....I am 24cc....half of what some "normal" pouches measure.  Hello!  Why is my pouch so small in the first place???  Is this why my body is soooooooo sensitive to fills, hormones, food, stress, the moon being in the 3rd phase?? 

Unfortunately, even though I got an unfill,  I still couldn't even get broth down for several days.  By FRIDAY 4/5,  I have essentially gone through an entire week not eating and barely drinking---each sip brought nerve pain in my back and tons of burps.  Called dr. office and was advised to continue with clear liquids through the weekend.  Come in on Monday if still a problem. 

At this point I am worried that I will get dehydrated, mad at myself because I MUST have done something to cause this, wondering what is "really wrong with my band," etc.  Why did I choose "lap band?"  What do I do if something is wrong and I have to pay to get it removed?  How come I hadn't heard of the verticle sleeve back then??

Bottom line, I am still on liquids and mushies.  Eating maybe 1/4 cup of food 3 times a day.  I hope that things work out and I am able to eat solids again some day.

Ugh!!!   I am so jealous of those of you who love their bands.

A Minor Miracle

Believe it or not.....miracles do happen.

Here's my story:

I took the kids to swim practice on a cold, windy day.  This is a rarity in So.Cal but it was a VERY cold day.  I was planning to do a little walk/jog/walk while they swam.  I had clocked on my odometer how far point A would be from point B (the pool.)

Well.........I set off to get in my exercise thinking I would walk a few minutes first and then try and do a bit of running.  I didn't even get out of the parking lot at a WALK.....it was sooooo damn cold.......I had to start running right away.

I kept running.  I wanted to stop but I also wanted to see if I could make it all the way to the "turn around spot" without stopping. 

I hate running.

My ipod battery died after 3 songs.....ugh!!!!  BUT I still kept running.

(I told you this was a miracle!!!)

I got to the "turn around spot" and decided to see how long I could go on the return trip without resorting to slowing to a walk.

I made it the whole way.   32 continuous minutes.  (Now the whole route was only 2.5 miles BUT I HATE running and have NEVER EVER run for more than 5 minutes in a stretch on the treadmill so this was a big deal!)

IT'S A MIRACLE!!!!  Ok, maybe I am overstating a bit but this was amazing to me because  I. HATE. RUNNING.

Maybe running 7 of the 13.1 miles I am signed up to do in May won't be all that bad.

Ten Things Thursday

I don't know who will start TTT this week but since I have a few minutes to spare, I am gonna get a jump on it!

1.  I have been away from my blog for way too long!

Here I am...just in case you forgot who I was! 

 I have been reading yours though...commenting occasionally...kind of lurking.

I think this may be avoidance.

2.  I am struggling.  My weight is fluctuating.  I feel out of control.

3.  My band has been doing all kinds of weird things.  I still only have 2.25cc or 2.5cc (I actually can't remember!)  and normally have NO restriction AT ALL.  Flew to the east coast over the holidays and spent quite a few of the days not being able to eat ANYTHING.  I was all over the place with crazy restriction. Why would that be??

4.  Did I mention that I am struggling?  It's freaking me out.  I am so afraid that the couple pounds of regain are going to turn into 10...then 15 etc.  I keep trying to get back on track but the weight doesn't budge.

5.  I want to get a fill so I feel back in control of my eating but after the craziness of last week and being too tight.....I am TOTALLY afraid.

6.  Going "back to basics" with my band.  No more pushing the limits to see if I can eat bread.  Got my stop- watch out again to slow me down.  Measuring everything.  (If I can't get a fill, I better use the "rules" in order to get back in control.)

7.  My New Year's Resolutions are to spend less $ and get more done!  I have replaced my wardrobe with all size 8 items.......so I don't NEED to shop....I just love it.  No more for awhile.

I also want to get more done around my house.  Work in the yard, try and replace my eating compulsion with cleaning and organizing.

8.  I have made a goal to lose 5 pounds by April 15th.  I will do this by using MFP, working out, and blogging my honest emotions.

9.  I am really having an urge to get a puppy.....seeing Robyn's little Hugo just kills me. I won't get a dog...no time for the extra responsibility...but darn it....I think I secretly wished I would have had 3 kids instead of 2 and think a puppy will help.  Pipe dream!

10.  I am running a half-marathon over Mother's Day weekend.  I hate to run. 

Remind me.........why did I sign up????

See ya!

What I love about me

As Amy suggested on her blog, I am going to write a list of a few things I love about me.  This is actually quite challenging....I don't really think about this topic much.

1.  I love my CALVES.  Yes, I said it!!!  I have great claves....muscular & defined but not big.  They look good while wearing heals or rocking the elliptical machine.  (I know b/c I was checking myself out yesterday on the elliptical.)

2.  I am happy.  99% of the time I am happy and everyone knows it.  My students think I drink tons of coffee...but I am just a naturally positive kind of gal.

3.  I am a good wife, mom, & teacher.  I take all 3 of my "jobs" seriously.....and I am gonna be successfull at them!

4.  I have a great work ethic. 

5.  I am a good friend.

6.  I am funny.  (I crack myself up all the time)

7.  I am strong and independent.

The list of things I don't like might be just as long.......uh oh!

Have a good day!